The Resolution.

As it approaches the end of the second day of this New Year, I finally start to tackle this resolution I made for myself.  As always, I'm procrastinating. 

2014 was a complicated year for me, for many reasons.  The most important thing that happened to me this year was I reached "stability" in my depression and anxiety.  The truth is, I take the pills, and do the therapy, and somehow I'm left with a giant tangle of complex, nuanced, unnamed emotions that I can't even begin to understand.  This ultimately leaves me feeling very neutral and flat.  I'm so full of emotions that I feel empty.  I've always been so used to having such extreme emotions, ranging all across the board. And for a long time, the manic highs were better and longer lasting than the depressive lows, and then I got older, experienced trauma, experienced life, and the dips got deeper and deeper and wider and wider.   So I took the dive into the inexact science of psycho-pharmacology, a subject I happen to study, and am left with....a giant pit of what? I still have my intense emotions, passions, opinions, they just happen all at once now, all the time.  So when you average it all out, I'm just flat.

So, I suppose, this is my attempt at slowly pulling the strings out of the yarn ball, little by little.  Perhaps I can make sense of them if I put them to words, lay them all out straight before me, and relieve some of the pressure from my chest.  I'm sure I can fit them all in there if they weren't so disorganized.

As it stands, my resolution is to write in this journal of sorts.  Every day. Or...at least as often as I can remember and actually work up the energy to do it.  I hate the feel of paper which is why I've never kept a journal before, and now I'm at a point in my life where every time I think about starting to chronical my thoughts, a wave of anxiety washes over me, traveling down my back until I feel it tingling in the pits of my feet.  Yes, my feet have pits.  Even thinking about writing and my mind starts to get jumbled and confused, my thoughts collide and jump over and through one another, until they're just as tangled as my emotions.

But I'm determined.  I'm determined to do something every day that scares me, even if it's just writing down my mess of a mind.  I'm determined to regain my life, little by little, and bring myself to a more stable stability.  One which is actually sustainable.  I'm determined to feel again, even if it means going to the bottom every once in a while.

I think I'm trying to be poetic, because of course there is part of me which thinks maybe some day someone will discover this blog and read it, or maybe I'll share it.  And I want people to think I'm deep, and interesting, and oh so insightful.  But honestly, I just need a place to vent and process.

I need a place to let go.

I'm resolving to forgive myself.  And I think this might be the right place to start that journey.